20 years...that's a
really long time!How can it be that I've been without my mommy for
20 YEARS!?
Sometimes it doesn't seem like it's been that long, yet sometimes it seems like it's been forever!
I miss her! I miss what was and what could've been. 20 years deserves a good long post! Not for people reading, but for my kids when they're older to read. That's really what my blog is for anyway.
Some people who didn't know her, have no idea what they missed. She was funny. Always smiling. Loved her kids, her family, and her friends. She had lots of friends. Cindy and Molly being her best! Loved to dance. Any type, especially country! Loved country music (can't hear a Patsy Cline song without thinking of her). Loved rodeos and cowboys. Loved watching old movies (especially musicals). Loved to cook. Loved Casa Ole' (pretty sure that's where my kids get it from). Loved the lake. She always had a good time. She also had a temper. Her nickname, Queenie. She had a hard short life. But she kept on going. She did what she could with what she had. Isn't that what we all do? No one should judge unless you walked in her shoes.
I know she's in Heaven. A few months before she passed, she said she wasn't afraid to die. A pastor would come visit with her at the hospital. I have her Bible. It was definately used.
I use to collect angels. I have tons and tons. I started collecting them the month she passed away. All because my friend's grandmother told me that my mom was an angel in Heaven. I felt like they represented her and by having them around me, she was around me. As the years went on, I realized that was not the case. She's around me reguardless of any objects. So a few years ago, when we packed up for our first hurricane evacuation, Anthony made sure, along with my pictures, those angels were to be very safe and get in the car with us! Once we returned home, I decided to leave them packed away. I didn't need them anymore. I KNOW she's around me. I have lots of daily reminders. THREE of them being Austin, Tyler, and Carli. Austin looks like my brother Shawn when he was little and he looks just like my mom, cute. Tyler totally has my mom's eyes, dark and full of soul. Something I didn't even realize until my aunt Terry pointed it out a while back. Carli, oh my Carli Michelle, has my mom's personality...DRAMATIC! She also has her name. CARLA MICHELLE! And my kids are all a little goofy too like her too.
I remember being sad on this day every year, really sad. I no longer am. It's a day my mom passed away, yes. But here's what: Every year when I would get a new calendar, I would write everyone's birthdays on it and May 29th, I would draw a sad face. As if I wasn't going to remember what that day was. Like I was also telling myself, "okay, today is the day mom died, so you will be very sad all day!". Then one day not too long ago, it hit me, I should be sad and happy on any day of the year, when I feel like it. I don't want a day on the calendar to dictate my feelings. I also know where she is and I know I'll see her again. I don't want to be selfish and want her here, when I KNOW she's happy, healthy, and whole in Heaven and that's exactly the way it should be!
"Remember me with smiles and laughter For that's the way I'll remember you all
If you can only remember me with tears
Then don't remember me at all.-author unknown"
This quote was on a piece of paper in her Bible. I put "autor unknown", BUT it says it's from Laura Ingles Wilder. I remember that episode of Little House on the Prairie and it wouldn't surprise me if that's where my mom heard it. We would watch that together.
So, on this day, 20 years ago, my amazing mommy, left to go to Heaven.
She was 34. I was 18. My brothers were 13 and 11.
I miss her. I love her!
And I can guarantee, she loved everyone too! With her whole heart!
